coat the floor
left in the way.
and we tried
I just heard this person at my job say that
if they somehow randomly ever became a millionaire
they would steal people’s identities
and pay off their debt
leaving a little note that says
"your shit is insecure. get it together."
excuse me while i go drop my social security card
and a list of all my bank account passwords
in front of you
- With Guys
- you: i'm pan
- them: you're what
- you: i'm into chicks too
- them: oh you're bi sweet
- you: no I'm pan
- them: yeah okay THREESOME
- With Girls
- you: i'm pan
- them: you're what
- you: i'm into guys too
- them: oh you're bi ew
- you: no I'm pan
- them: yeah okay BI CURIOUS
we had so many secrets,
he and i.
shameful secrets, exciting ones..taboo and sinful all the same.
what was it about men like him that drew me in?
i gazed at him, across the grass. i looked away everytime he looked up.
eventually we locked eyes.
I smiled. playful.
biting my lip as he smiled back. flirtatious.
in the hot summer grass we lay,
the four of us: he with his lover, I with mine.
the georgia heat was stifiling. too hot be outside, too stuffy to be in.
we’d retreated to the park, the shady, grassy square, that sat alone by the lake.
the four of us together, our make believe summer get away.
"you know I can’t be alone with you.."
he’d whispered quietly into the phone the night before.
i’d been up thinking of his hands that night.
wishing they’d caress me, soothe my skin, massage the worries away.
"I really want you right now." was all I replyed into the phone.
he grew silent.
i sighed. i had him, but barely.
someone was speaking to him, i heard hushed tones coming from his end
i pressed my ear to phone thinking if i closed my eyes a little,
i’d hear who it was.
"i have to go." he mumbled. it came hurriedly, and sudden.
i inhaled, and with a ‘click’ he was gone.
rolling over onto my pillow, i felt my phone vibrate,
picking it up, I squinted at the bright message on the screen.
tomorrow. was all it read.
sitting up from the grass,
running my hand slowly through my love’s hair
i stood up.
"I’m gonna refill my water bottle." i announced.
i turned and looked directly at him.
"will you show me where the cold fountain is?”
my face, innocent and honest.
she smiled at us as he got up, coming towards me.
his lover was so, naive.
silly girl. leaving him alone with me.
his hands were up my skirt before we’d even gotten around the corner.
we hid away behind the largest tree in the park.
i giggled, letting him in,
closing my eyes, happy from his touch,
longing for the rest of him.
"shh…" he whispered soothingly.
he brought his lips to mine, kissing me ever so gently,
soft and warm.
tender kisses. tender kisses i so longed for.
i let his hands explore me.
we returned to the grass
taking our places each back in our lovers arms.
not suspecting a thing,
i watched as she instantly grabbed his hand,
resting her head on his chest.
he stroked her hair,
kissed her on the cheek.
she smiled, closing her eyes,
safe and protected, wrapped in her lover’s arms.
he and i met eyes again,
this time i didn’t look away.
i smiled back.
shameful, yet exciting..taboo and sinful all the same.
I kept my eyes down, walking straight forward.
One foot following the other.
Focusing on little things helped me concentrate.
Kept the bad thoughts out.
I inspected both sides of the street before crossing the crosswalk.
I didn’t need a repeat of the last intersection.
Heart racing, panting slowly, I’d just barely dodged a Ford F-150 truck,
the driver halted a mere two inches from me.
I’d let out a quiet gasp squeezing my eyes shut as tightly as I could, as if that would somehow push the truck farther away.
I inhaled, continuing forward. I didn’t want to breathe, afraid I might jinx myself into almost getting hit again.
I stopped quickly as a red sports car made it’s way slowly to the crosswalk.
I refused to budge until the car had gone.
I stood, staring at my feet, trying to shake the eerie feeling that had barely left.
It didn’t want to go away.
The truck lingered, latching itself to permanent memories.
As the sports car eased on, I stood nervously, hoping no one else was coming.
Two spare moments, my life had flashed before me. Almost as quickly as the driver’s foot had hit the brake as he spotted me.
One more block. One more block till I made it to the lake.
Afternoon meditation by the lake was the only thing keeping me sane these days.
Everyday I didn’t show, I slipped slowly into relapse.
The paranoid thoughts had been coming back, the nervousness, and the loss of focus.
I couldn’t afford it. Not again. Not with midterms so close. Not with Break around the corner.
I reached in my bag, fumbling around for my phone. I needed to be on time.
Pausing at the bench ahead, I tossed my bag and purse down, now searching frantically for my cell.
It wasn’t here.
Maybe I had dropped it, back at the intersection.
I was checking the time when it happened.
I turned around.
I was going to be late. So late, I’d probably miss.
And now things were going to start falling apart.
I now wished I had taken my pills before breakfast.
I could barely afford to skip, even with meditation.
Eyes down again. Left foot, right foot. Repeat.
As I looked up, a small crowd of people and 2 police cars surrounded the intersection blocking my path.
Oh great, now what.
I walked up slowly, trying to see past the crowd.
Maybe the phone was in the street.
“Did anyone see a phone, in the street or, on the sidewalk? Blackberry, possibly scratched..?” I announced loudly, walking up to the crowd.
No one looked up. It must have been serious, whatever had drawn this bunch.
I tapped an officer writing something down, on his shoulder.
He did not blink nor budge.
“Excuse me, I really need your help.” I stood directly in front of him.
What the fuck.
”Hello!” I said again. I pushed my way frantically through the crowd. “I have to get by. I need to look here, I dropped something!”
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Squeezing my way to the front I gasped as they felt for a pulse on a body sprawled across the ground.
She was bleeding. Badly.
“We’ve got a female here, possibly in her early twenties, looks like she was struck pretty bad.” Came the officer’s voice. He shook his head slowly. “Hit and run.”
I could feel my cheeks getting hot. My heartbeat sped up and the nervous thoughts began flooding in.
I stared at the body. My face staring up at me.
Why was I sprawled across the ground??
I was bleeding.
I needed help. Had they called an ambulance??
I turned around frantically running up to any person in the crowd.
“Can someone call 911! Please. Help!” I cried, panting.
I was going to pass out.
I wanted to vomit when I saw my body being covered with a sheet.
I ran toward the body, flailing myself across, yelling as my voice became sounds instead of words.
NO! Please!! Someone please call an ambulance! Don’t let me die here!!”
They all seemed not to notice me, and I shook my head attempting to unblur my vision.
My eyes unfocused slowly as I felt my body start to twitch.
I bent down, stooping over my own body, trying to focus my breathing
as I covered my mouth, suppressing coughs accompanied by a rich, red, liquid.
I wiped the blood from my mouth and stood up.
I still had to get to the lake.
I turned to run, and collapsed.
The crowd became a hazy collection of small shapes and dull colors.
I could barely make out the scene, as they lifted my body onto a stretcher and into an ambulance.
I opened my clenched hand slowly, revealing my blackberry, and squinted, barely making out the time.
10 minutes, until I was late.
They’d let me leave. They had to. They had to understand.
I struggled to sit up, but could only lift my head enough to look out the window as the ambulance drove away, leaving the intersection.
I saw a room when I closed my eyes.
Every time I closed them; a dark, gritty room.
There were cold rough floors, dirty, ripped white curtains upon it, and pasty, barren, white walls surrounding. She smirked at me from the dark corner when I tried to turn away. Every single time.
I shivered, like the nights when I lost sleep. Frozen nights that kept me up when self-destruction kicked in. I shivered again. I wanted to believe I was safe again, like they told me over and over, but she’d sat behind them glaring, shaking her head at me, telling me the opposite. Lying awake, in my childhood bedroom at my parents’ house, I stared at my hands in the dark.
These were the hands that had destroyed me. The hands that tipped back the tiny pill bottles, reached for anything bitter, bottle after bottle, can after can, and lit cigarettes till dusk met dawn. The hands that met my nose when it bled, inhaling white puffs of powder until it ran; deep, burgundy drops of enjoyment. These were her hands. She smirked, those nights I begged her not to do it again.
If I closed my eyes I’d be back. I had to stay awake. It was only the third night of my being at home, and I sat awake, scared to death of what I could become again…afraid I might relapse.
Every moment I nodded off was a reminder, a reminder of the room in which she stalked. A reminder of what she whispered to me when I turned off the lights, yelled at me when I shook my head and screamed to block her out.
I stared at my hands. Her hands.
The hands that reached for half empty bottles of tap water, when my stomach cried for food. The hands that met the warm insides of my throat, swimming around until it all came up. Until all the bad was out.
I scanned the pages of the book in front of me. If I could stick to the pages of someone else’s life for the few hours until morning called out to save me, I would not have to see her. Not tonight.
Just one more night without you. Please.
The minutes ticked away at the rate of miniscule seconds, fighting each to have their time to shine. I yearned for something bitter. Something warm, and harsh to tip down my throat before the night was over.
She loved bitter. She loved finding little white capsules filled with magic, downing them with bitter, soothing liquids. I smiled at the thought. The only enjoyment we shared.
And then I saw her.
And then she stood in front of me, extending a hand, reaching out for me to grab. I shook my head.
No, please no.
She grinned politely, giggling as she skipped over towards me.
I took her hand and walked slowly behind her. Letting her lead me to her room, to the corner in which she stalked.
She whispered into my ear what I knew was true. They wouldn’t let me back now. No one was going to save me if I didn’t come with her. They’d take me away. She was all I had.
She wiped a hot, salty tear away as it fell to my cheek and leaned her head against my shoulder.
My eyes shot open quickly and I was no longer in her corner. Away from the chilly, barren room. I couldn’t let them take me away.
Turning over in my bed, I reached for the one stash I’d hidden away and pulled out a small napkin stacked with white capsules of different sizes. I grabbed the silver flask from underneath my mattress, tipped back the pills and washed it down with bitter. Sweet, bitter liquid.
I’d see her now. She wouldn’t let them take me away. She’d help me, just like she had promised. Now I wanted her. And now she’d save me.
she’s just a friend. you see. you always agree.
you know i lie, but you still trust me.
..and you believed with so much hope.
but I’m the one that let you go.
you still call my phone
cause you still want me
i tell my friends you’re so annoying.
you cry and curse when you’re alone
..but laugh and flirt when we’re on the phone.
why did I lie ?
I’m so sorry..
I know I hurt you.
it’s written in english and i can’t even read you. i don’t know sometimes. i’m plagued by memories of the wrong too often. i forget everything that ever made it right. everything that gave it what it was. sometimes i wonder why i even wanted a forever. why anyone would.
forever died. it went away long ago. we all pretend it still exsists. one time i wondered what you’d do if i ever left. it didn’t phase you that i’d wondered. it didn’t strike you as important. one time it was obvious i cared alot more than it seems i do now. one time i was never gonna let go. it wasn’t the same for you. it was what it was. maybe subconsciously that still fucks with my head. because that’s how it always is. it’s always been so. no one wants to be compared to ‘everyone’. but everyone acts the same. i don’t want to be reminded of why i am the way i am now. reminded of why i don’t even bother anymore. i dont wanted to be reminded of how i keep getting fucked over. why i’m always someone’s second choice. why everyone only wants me when they’re with someone else. why i dont matter when i’m giving it my all. why i’m not important until i pull away. i guess sometimes things are just words though. words to remind you why things are how they are.
laughing, frowning, giggly mess.
your eyes, and hair, and cute tight dress.
songs and poems, and blogs and vents
smiles, thoughts and nights well spent.
your texts and calls, and silly jokes
our talks and fights and facebook pokes
of everything that makes you you,
i love everything you do.
we should talk, yes?
okay good-whats that? no?
we…shouldn’t? kay i’m putting down the phone.
but wait. Oh. You still want to.
well nevermind then. I’m picking it up agai-wha, come again?
no? we can’t talk after all..? kay. great.
but wait a second, what about what I want?
I wanna talk to you.
or do I?
I shouldnt right?
although we’re both sitting here awake.
2,648 miles apart..
talking seems so…eh.
i’d rather not. not at this hour.
not after…yeahhh. exactly.
so i guess we’ll just continue to sit here.
2,648 miles apart.
unless of course..
you’d like to..
then ya know. its cool.
we often let go of things that are bad for us,
before that bad moment comes along.
It’s the brain’s way of saving the heart
before we wreck ourselves.
this was us. an emotional wreck, terrible before its time.
no doubt beautiful things could of come from a this.
beautiful terrible yesterdays, and thrown away tomorrows..
as we slowly let go of things.
a you comes along yearly. you’re my cleanser.
my reminder that pulling knobs labeled “destructive”produces things like an us.
everything that pulled me away, kept me locked far away from you
pushed me towards you.
i picked the lock and jumped in. i fell hard, and have the scars to prove it.
i fought my way out and found the surface,
struggling, and gasping for air as I did.
and now I wait. for the next you to come along..as you do.
i love you more than I could ever spell out into little paper words
i find the most difficult button we’ve yet to find…
is the easy one.
the one that gets it all done and keeps us both happy.
the one that kills the self destruct, and eliminates the thorns.
we love harder than we do anything else.
a sweet tang of challenge fuels the heart and pumps the brain.
it keeps us going. knowing subconsouicly
that well never be exact,
little torn paper words, spilled out to form the word love.